RELATIONSHIPS – FEAR OF COMMUNICATING AUTHENTICALLY
Thursday, February 16 2012 am29 8:36 amIn my experience, there appears to be a common factor in all relationship difficulties: the fear to communicate in an open and constructive manner. Worrying about how to express our feelings, or how to get certain needs met, points to an underlying lack of ‘feeling emotionally safe’ in our relationship.
Of course, there are numerous occasions where one will have to consider carefully how to convey a feeling or some information to one’s partner because one is taking his/her feelings into account. But I’m referring to an actual fear of rejection, criticism or aggressive reaction by one’s partner in response to a statement or action, and where this experience tends to describe the relationship in general. I see this as a disconnected relationship, so here’s a look at some of the reasons why the relationship has reached this point.
Feelings of Low Self-Esteem or Self-Worth
If you don’t feel good about yourself, the odds are that you may be a ‘people-pleaser’ – you will try and meet other people’s (perceived) needs ahead of your own. This behaviour eventually back-fires on you because you’ll realise that despite accommodating other people’s needs they don’t seem to recognise yours. The result is that you feel hurt and unheard by your partner, and since you’re unsure how to constructively articulate your needs, you do so in an angry or resentful way. Your partner is likely to respond in an equally resentful or possibly aggressive way.
Another manifestation of low self-esteem is a belligerent or ‘adversarial’ attitude towards one’s partner. It comes across as if the person is in constant defend/attack mode, behaving as if under constant threat of one’s very survival. Where the ‘people-pleaser’ is a passive reactor, the adversarial person is an active reactor to another’s style of communication. Being in the company of a person who is belligerent reminds one that the free-flow of conversation, the experience of give-and-take, listening and responding to the subject matter is just a dream of an earlier stage of the relationship.
Clearly, the better and more confident one feels about oneself the easier it is to articulate one’s feelings in a constructive way.
Power-Play
When there is a ‘disconnect’ in the relationship, there is polarisation. The art of communicating has effectively dissolved into defending one’s position or attacking the other’s position in the relationship. I see this as a relationship characterised by fear. Certainly, it’s not one characterised by love, openness and safety. So the dynamic being enacted is “I’m sticking to my position, and you can stick to yours. It’s clear that we don’t have a middle ground. The battle lines have been drawn.” It is very difficult to reconnect when there is a power-play because there is so much hurt, and one fears being hurt again.
If there is sufficient love and respect in the relationship, there will be sufficient motivation to find the ‘middle-ground’. This requires courage, the ability to look for compromises, recognising that each person is accountable for the present position and refraining from blaming the other.
Broken Trust
The experience of being betrayed is extremely hurtful. It is likely that everyone has experienced this feeling on some level or another, inside and outside of one’s present relationship. What distinguishes a loving from a fearful relationship is how one recovers from the experience of betrayal. It demands courage and insight as to how the betrayed person may have contributed to the breaking of trust by one’s partner. It also requires the same amount of courage and insight as to why the betrayer has consciously (or unconsciously) hurt one’s partner. A loving relationship will allow both partners to feel vulnerable, yet safe enough to constructively deal with the issue. Both partners could look at the above pointers of low self-esteem and power-play to find some answers.
In ending this blog post:
The points raised illustrate some factors in how a relationship can break down, and why one may feel unsafe in communicating authentically in a relationship. I would love to hear your understanding of this sadly very common experience.
In a future blog, I will have a look at some ways to have a more authentic and loving relationship.