RELATIONSHIPS – FEAR OF COMMUNICATING AUTHENTICALLY

In my experience, there appears to be a common factor in all relationship difficulties: the fear to communicate in an open and constructive manner. Worrying about how to express our feelings, or how to get certain needs met, points to an underlying lack of ‘feeling emotionally safe’ in our relationship.

Of course, there are numerous occasions where one will have to consider carefully how to convey a feeling or some information to one’s partner because one is taking his/her feelings into account. But I’m referring to an actual fear of rejection, criticism or aggressive reaction by one’s partner in response to a statement or action, and where this experience tends to describe the relationship in general. I see this as a disconnected relationship, so here’s a look at some of the reasons why the relationship has reached this point.

Feelings of Low Self-Esteem or Self-Worth
If you don’t feel good about yourself, the odds are that you may be a ‘people-pleaser’ – you will try and meet other people’s (perceived) needs ahead of your own. This behaviour eventually back-fires on you because you’ll realise that despite accommodating other people’s needs they don’t seem to recognise yours. The result is that you feel hurt and unheard by your partner, and since you’re unsure how to constructively articulate your needs, you do so in an angry or resentful way. Your partner is likely to respond in an equally resentful or possibly aggressive way.

Another manifestation of low self-esteem is a belligerent or ‘adversarial’ attitude towards one’s partner. It comes across as if the person is in constant defend/attack mode, behaving as if under constant threat of one’s very survival. Where the ‘people-pleaser’ is a passive reactor, the adversarial person is an active reactor to another’s style of communication. Being in the company of a person who is belligerent reminds one that the free-flow of conversation, the experience of give-and-take, listening and responding to the subject matter is just a dream of an earlier stage of the relationship.

Clearly, the better and more confident one feels about oneself the easier it is to articulate one’s feelings in a constructive way.

Power-Play
When there is a ‘disconnect’ in the relationship, there is polarisation. The art of communicating has effectively dissolved into defending one’s position or attacking the other’s position in the relationship. I see this as a relationship characterised by fear. Certainly, it’s not one characterised by love, openness and safety. So the dynamic being enacted is “I’m sticking to my position, and you can stick to yours. It’s clear that we don’t have a middle ground. The battle lines have been drawn.” It is very difficult to reconnect when there is a power-play because there is so much hurt, and one fears being hurt again.
If there is sufficient love and respect in the relationship, there will be sufficient motivation to find the ‘middle-ground’. This requires courage, the ability to look for compromises, recognising that each person is accountable for the present position and refraining from blaming the other.

Broken Trust
The experience of being betrayed is extremely hurtful. It is likely that everyone has experienced this feeling on some level or another, inside and outside of one’s present relationship. What distinguishes a loving from a fearful relationship is how one recovers from the experience of betrayal. It demands courage and insight as to how the betrayed person may have contributed to the breaking of trust by one’s partner. It also requires the same amount of courage and insight as to why the betrayer has consciously (or unconsciously) hurt one’s partner. A loving relationship will allow both partners to feel vulnerable, yet safe enough to constructively deal with the issue. Both partners could look at the above pointers of low self-esteem and power-play to find some answers.

In ending this blog post:
The points raised illustrate some factors in how a relationship can break down, and why one may feel unsafe in communicating authentically in a relationship. I would love to hear your understanding of this sadly very common experience.
In a future blog, I will have a look at some ways to have a more authentic and loving relationship.

Online Counseling: Stressed? Try a Yo-Yo

Exercise is recognised as a successful, common way to help treat depression, anxiety and a host of other mental health issues. Moderate exercise for twenty minutes, three times a week is the minimum you should be doing. Aside from the need for physical exercise, your brain needs stimulation. I’d suggest the obvious. Get a hobby.

Therapists shouldn’t use a word like ‘Hobby’.

Terrible word. Hobby. Sounds like whatever it is, it’s probably insignificant to life on earth. But the fact is that a hobby can be a fantastic way for escaping the hum-drum and pressures of everyday life, pressures that can result in depression, anxiety and a number of other mental illnesses. Carpentry to cards, a hobby stimulates the mind and offers the kind of purpose that is so often needed in getting over depression. It’s only a hobby for a lack of a better word. And it’s therapeutic.

Mental Health: Know Yourself and your ‘Triggers’.

The key when trying to pick up a new hobby is understanding what sets you off, i.e. the ‘triggers’ that make you feel depressed or anxious. Once you can identify the sources of your depression, they’re far easier to treat. For instance, if work pressures and deadlines are causing you anxiety, then look for a hobby that has no deadlines, like surfing or carpentry. You can surf until the waves dry up or you’ve had enough. If there aren’t any waves, take a walk on the beach or eat an ice-cream. The point is that you’re in the space that calms you down, away from the pressures that let the demons of your depression and anxiety out into the open. Mental health is about knowing yourself as best you can, so that you can treat yourself the best you can.

Carpentry, you can work on a project until it’s sanded away to a toothpick. Because, if it’s the sanding that chills you out, sand something. Go into restoring furniture. Do something that’s opposite to your stress source and you’ll negate the consequences.

Sometimes it’s the Simple Things that Solve.

The Yo-Yo thing? Just a thought. You can go around the world, walk the dog and rock the baby with two pieces of plastic hanging off a piece of string. Killing two birds with one stone? Try three. Laughs aside, whatever gets your mind off the stressor is the solution.

Exercise is obviously a must. Releasing endorphins the good endorphins of exercise combats the devastating effect that stress can have on the psyche.

By flooding your system with these positive endorphins, it releases stresses built up mentally and physically, and clears your system of toxins. Combined with a well-balanced diet, i.e. adequate fruit and vegetable servings, high in fibre, with a good mix of proteins and carbohydrates to build muscle and fuel your activity, exercise and mental stimulation from a hobby can do a lot for your mental health.

Exercise and a hobby are a great start to handling and treating your own depression and anxiety. Don’t get put off by the word hobby. See it as a little time for yourself.

Sigmund Freud, Father of Psychoanalysis and the face of Mental Health

Probably the most famous name in modern psychology, say Sigmund Freud and someone else will say ego, superego or id. His name appears in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and is the focus of most first year psychology students waxing lyrical.

While structuralism and functionalism focused on the conscious mind, it was an Austrian psychologist named Sigmund Freud who first focused on the unconscious mind and the effect it has on the conscious mind.

The Psychopathology of Everyday Life.

Freud worked with patients suffering from hysteria and other such mental health issues, which led to his hypothesis that childhood experiences and unconscious thought influences adult personality and behaviour. Freud believed that psychological illness occurs as a result of these unconscious thoughts being in conflict, or out of balance.

His book, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life, expresses how these unconscious thoughts manifest. A ‘Freudian slip’, or ‘slip of the tongue’ (saying something you didn’t mean to say, yet the thought existed subconsciously and came out), and the dreams we have, are two such examples. He believed the human mind is made up of three parts.

The id, the ego and the superego.

The id is made up of unconscious psychic energy that focuses on appeasing our most basic urges, needs and desires. The superego is that which encourages us to act morally, our morals acquired through our parents, childhood and society throughout our lives. It’s the ego that sits in the middle and tries to achieve a balance between the two. It’s a largely unconscious part of our personality that manages the demands of the id, the superego and reality. Freud’s theories on dream symbolism, the unconscious mind and the psychosexual stages are still discussed today, and not without speculation.

Skepticism.

His work was largely based on case studies and clinical cases, making it hard to prove his theories and difficult to quantify the findings. It’s also a widely-held view that Freud’s work over-emphasised the influence of childhood experiences, sex, the unconscious mind and aggression.

Influence on modern psychotherapy and mental health.

The methods and theories used in psychoanalysis contributed to the rise of experimental psychology. Many of the theories created by the fathers of psychodynamic thinking, such as Freud and Erik Erikson, are still applicable today. Erikson’s psychosocial stage theory of personality is still highly influential in today’s understanding of human development, stressing the importance of growth throughout the lifespan.

Freud’s theory on the psychosexual stages, the unconscious mind and dreams changed the landscape of modern psychology, influenced Erikson, experimental psychology, art, literature and popular culture in the 20th century like no other.

Sigmund Freud, Father of Psychoanalysis and the face of Mental Health

Probably the most famous name in modern psychology, say Sigmund Freud and someone else will say ego, superego or id. His name appears in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and is the focus of most first year psychology students waxing lyrical.

While structuralism and functionalism focused on the conscious mind, it was an Austrian psychologist named Sigmund Freud who first focused on the unconscious mind and the effect it has on the conscious mind.

The Psychopathology of Everyday Life.

Freud worked with patients suffering from hysteria and other such mental health issues, which led to his hypothesis that childhood experiences and unconscious thought influences adult personality and behaviour. Freud believed that psychological illness occurs as a result of these unconscious thoughts being in conflict, or out of balance.

His book, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life, expresses how these unconscious thoughts manifest. A ‘Freudian slip’, or ‘slip of the tongue’ (saying something you didn’t mean to say, yet the thought existed subconsciously and came out), and the dreams we have, are two such examples. He believed the human mind is made up of three parts.

The id, the ego and the superego.

The id is made up of unconscious psychic energy that focuses on appeasing our most basic urges, needs and desires. The superego is that which encourages us to act morally, our morals acquired through our parents, childhood and society throughout our lives. It’s the ego that sits in the middle and tries to achieve a balance between the two. It’s a largely unconscious part of our personality that manages the demands of the id, the superego and reality. Freud’s theories on dream symbolism, the unconscious mind and the psychosexual stages are still discussed today, and not without speculation.

Skepticism.

His work was largely based on case studies and clinical cases, making it hard to prove his theories and difficult to quantify the findings. It’s also a widely-held view that Freud’s work over-emphasised the influence of childhood experiences, sex, the unconscious mind and aggression.

Influence on modern psychotherapy and mental health.

The methods and theories used in psychoanalysis contributed to the rise of experimental psychology. Many of the theories created by the fathers of psychodynamic thinking, such as Freud and Erik Erikson, are still applicable today. Erikson’s psychosocial stage theory of personality is still highly influential in today’s understanding of human development, stressing the importance of growth throughout the lifespan.

Freud’s theory on the psychosexual stages, the unconscious mind and dreams changed the landscape of modern psychology, influenced Erikson, experimental psychology, art, literature and and popular culture in the 20th century like no other.

The First Schools of Thought

Mental Health: The First Schools of Thought and the Road to Freud.

When psychology broke away from physiology and philosophy, the debate began over how to describe and study human thought and behaviour. Structuralism and Functionalism were two of the earliest schools of thought, and vied for dominance before being leapfrogged by Psychoanalysis, Behaviourism and Humanism as the preferred perspectives. This is the first step down the road towards developing a timeline of modern psychology and the study of mental health.

The Birth of Structuralism

The idea of Structuralism first emerged via Wilhelm Wundt, the founder of the first psychology lab at the University of Leipzig. It was one of his students, Edward B. Tichener, who went on to name and elaborate on the idea of Structuralism.

Tichener is credited with the advent of Structuralism, which involves breaking down mental processes into their basic components, and uses a method called introspection to identify the basic stages of consciousness. While Wundt was credited with the first psychology lab, it was Tichener who was credited with the idea of Structuralism. However, the concept of structuralism did not last long after Tichener’s death.

Functionalism: Darwin and James react to Structuralism.

Charles Darwin and William James formed their own school of thought, functionalism, in reaction to structuralism, and the schools vied for dominance of the psychological landscape. William James was considered to be the father of American Psychology. His book, The Principles of Psychology, was a classic and proved to be a standard text in psychology. Many of his idea’s later became known as functionalism, which aimed to explain the mental process in a more systematic and accurate manner than structuralism.

Instead of concentrating on elements of the consciousness, functionalists concentrated on the purpose of the consciousness and behaviour, and how it helps people to live and work in certain environments. Functionalists used methods such as direct observation to study human thought. While a structuralist aimed to break down human thought into small pieces, a functionalist saw consciousness as an ever-changing and evolving process. They focused on individual differences, for it’s impossible to classify everyone in the same mould.

The Problems with Structuralism and Functionalism.

Essentially, structuralism and functionalism were not that different, as both dealt were concerned with the conscious self. However, William James said that Structuralism, ‘had plenty of school, but no thought’ whilst Wundt regarded Functionalism as merely ‘literature’.

Whilst Structuralism was one of the first schools of thought in modern psychology, introspection was not scientific enough to produce reliable results. Structuralism was also too concerned with internal processes, which could not be documented or sufficiently measured. It did, however, advance and help the state of experimental psychology and was the first school of thought to emerge.

Functionalism influenced behaviourism and applied psychology, as well as the educational landscape by John Dewey’s sentiments that children should be taught according to their level of development.

Psychoanalysis and Sigmund Freud came next, for while structuralism and functionalism focused primarily on states of human consciousness, Freud proposed the idea of the unconscious mind and the effect it has on the conscious mind. Psychoanalysis was born, and Freud’s views had a massive influence on the landscape of modern psychology and the study of mental health.